


Nightminds

by rudy0924



Category: Rookie Blue
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-19
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2019-03-21 10:08:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13738605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rudy0924/pseuds/rudy0924
Summary: Gail has a secret struggle that she's afraid to share with anyone. When she finally tells Holly, will the brunette support her? Established Golly relationship. Warning for dark themes and triggers for self-harm.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is close to my heart. I've dealt with self-harm and always hoped to find someone as supportive as Holly is in this story. Trigger warning for those who struggle with self-harm. If this will tempt you, please don't read. And know that there is hope. I am living proof. The title comes from a Missy Higgins song.

Gail stared at the box cutter on her coffee table. She couldn't stop imagining herself picking it up and using it to ease some of her pain. Her mind felt foggy and her eyes were red from the tears she had cried. A weight on her chest kept her from taking a proper breath. She felt as if she was swimming, or perhaps drowning, in a kind of liquid darkness. It enveloped her and all she wanted was just a few minutes of relief. The sadness she felt was palpable, like a living, breathing entity, wrapping her up and squeezing so tight that it was impossible to ignore. The anguish in her chest would cease with just one action; it had worked last year. But she knew that just like last year, the end result would be more shame.

A buzzing in her pocket caused her to avert her eyes from the object on the table. She welcomed any distraction that would give her a few more minutes of resistance. She looked down and saw her girlfriend's face on the screen. Holly had been working late, trying to process the evidence for a high profile case. In just a few seconds, a million thoughts raced through Gail's mind.

Should she answer? It wasn't that she didn't want to talk to her girlfriend. She always wanted to talk to Holly. She wanted to spend all of her time with Holly and not just because her presence made her forget about the sadness that was otherwise always with her. Being with Holly was fun and energizing. She felt like she was the best version of herself when in the company of the brunette. But if she answered the phone, Holly would know something was wrong. Gail couldn't hide it when her mind was this dark. It was as if the haze inside her mind shut down her ability to put up a façade. She wouldn't be able to change the tone of her voice or pepper jokes into their conversation. She wouldn't be able to hide her struggle and she wasn't sure if she was ready for Holly to know. They had only been dating for four months and while she knew Holly cared for her deeply, she wasn't sure if thrusting this burden on her girlfriend would cause her to second guess her investment in their relationship.

Despite her reluctance, the need to alleviate some of the urgency she felt to pick up the sharp object overshadowed her desire to keep Holly in the dark about the inner workings of her mind.

"Hello?" Gail said. Perhaps if she spoke in short sentences, Holly would just think she was tired.

"Hey there, beautiful. How are you? I missed you tonight." Holly answered in a slightly weary, but still upbeat voice.

"I missed you too." Gail replied. She knew she was giving herself away, but her ability to carry on a normal conversation was severely impaired at the moment.

Holly noticed right away. "Are you ok? You sound a little down."

"Um, I'm ok. Just sitting here." What was she even saying? She felt like she was having to slog through a mountain of mud to extract every word, making her responses slow and awkward.

"Honey, you don't sound ok. Tell me what's going on." The concern in Holly's voice caused tears to spring to Gail's eyes.

"Um…I'm…I don't know how to talk about it." She stumbled over her words.

Holly wasn't sure what was happening. Sure, Gail had mood swings from time to time. Sometimes she was grumpy, especially when tired or hungry. She closed herself off when she felt vulnerable, responding with sarcasm and sometimes even venom. But this was different. Holly had never heard Gail sound like this – so sad and defeated. Had something happened to Gail at work? Had her parents expressed some new disappointment? By the sound of Gail's voice and the strange way she was responding without really giving anything away, Holly knew whatever had happened was a big deal and she wanted to help however she could.

"Do you want me to come over?" She asked.

Gail felt a glimmer of hope. She did want Holly to come over. She wanted to tell her everything. She wanted Holly to hold her and tell her things would get better. But more than she wanted that, she wanted to keep her burdens from sending Holly running for the hills.

"You don't have to do that. I'll get over it eventually. Maybe." Gail cursed herself for tacking on the last part. But maybe Holly wouldn't pick up on the opening Gail had created with that one word. Maybe she would just assume that Gail was tired and promise to call her tomorrow.

But Holly felt it. She felt that something wasn't right and there was no way she was going home without seeing her girlfriend. She quickly turned on her turn signal so she could drive to Gail's apartment. "Yeah, I'm going to come over."

Gail offered a weak argument. "You don't…you're probably tired. It's late." But her heart wasn't in it and Holly could tell.

"I'm coming over, Gail. I'll be there in a few minutes." Holly's response was firm, making it clear there was no use arguing. But Gail hardly had any fight left in her and whatever she did have was being employed to prevent herself from picking up the box cutter. The two women ended the call and Gail resumed her stare down with the offending object.

Part of Gail was overjoyed that Holly was coming over. She felt a thrill at the thought of not being alone with her thoughts. But another part of her felt sick with anxiety. She hadn't ever told anyone about this particular struggle. She had never even considered sharing this secret with Chris or Nick or even her brother. It had always been her own private pain, a dark obsession to keep to herself. So the idea of revealing this part of herself to another person, a person she respected and whose approval she coveted? It made her nauseous.

Gail was once again brought out of her thoughts by a knock at the door. She took as deep a breath as the gloom would allow and rose to answer it. She opened the door, but didn't stand in the entrance. Instead, she used the door as a shield, only her downcast face visible to the person standing on the other side. Holly stepped inside and waited for Gail to close the door and turn around.

Holly studied Gail's face and demeanor. The blonde wasn't carrying herself with her normal confidence. Her shoulders were slumped and her eyes were pointed at her hands which she was rubbing together anxiously. She moved forward and put her hands on Gail's arms. "Hey."

When Gail looked up, Holly saw the red rim around her eyes and the downward set of her mouth. The look on the blonde's face drove Holly to wrap her arms around the woman. Gail reciprocated, bringing her arms around Holly's lower back. After a few seconds, the warmth and comfort of the embrace caused Gail to turn her face so she could bury it in Holly's neck. Holly squeezed her girlfriend tighter and brought one hand up to caress the back of Gail's neck. Neither woman spoke for what felt like an eternity. Holly allowed her presence and touch to say everything she needed.

After a couple of minutes, the emotions Gail had been struggling with all evening bubbled to the surface. She felt the sob rise in her chest, but she could do nothing to keep it from erupting. Tears spilled out and she clutched at the material of the brunette's shirt. Holly was momentarily startled when she felt the woman in her arms start to shake. It was only when she heard the gasps and whimpers that she realized Gail was crying. The worry that Holly had felt when she first heard her girlfriend's voice on the phone only intensified with this physical display of distress. Gail was not a crier. Holly had only seen her cry once, on the day of the Ford shootings. And even then, only a few tears had actually made their way onto Gail's cheeks. But now, Holly could feel a wet spot beginning to develop on her chest. She needed to know what was happening and what had upset her girlfriend so deeply so she leaned away slightly to try to look into the blonde's face.

"Honey, what's wrong? Did something happen?" She asked as she smoothed the hair at Gail's temple with her fingers.

Gail shook her head and continued to wail. Now that the dam had burst, she could not put a stopper on it. The gentle way that Holly was holding her had been her undoing.

"Ok, sweetie, let's at least move to the couch." Holly worried that Gail's uncontrolled breathing would descend into hyperventilation. If that happened, she wanted the blonde to at least be sitting so as not to faint.

Holly shifted her weight to encourage the blonde to move with her toward the couch. Gail removed her face from Holly's neck and turned toward the sofa. The force of her sobs had not lessened so that Gail hunched over and stumbled as she tried to walk. Holly quickly wrapped her arm around Gail's waist to help support her as she crossed the room. Gail was the first to sit, burying her face in her hands as she continued to cry. Holly sat next to her and put her hand on the blonde's back. Without warning, Gail turned and pushed her face into Holly's chest, the force causing Holly to fall back into the couch.

The brunette rubbed her hands up and down Gail's back as she tried to decide whether she should coax the woman to talk or just let her cry it out. In the end, her anxiety won out and she began to speak softly into Gail's ear.

"Sweetheart, why don't you try taking some deep breaths? I'm afraid you're going to start hyperventilating and I need that to not happen, ok? Just concentrate on my voice. Everything is going to be ok. Whatever happened, I'm here with you and I'm not going anywhere. You can tell me anything, honey. Just try to calm down a little so you can talk to me because I'm starting to panic a little."

Gail attempted to follow Holly's directions. She concentrated on breathing in and out, still choking on her sobs from time to time. A few minutes later, she was only crying slightly and hiccupping every so often. When she could finally breathe normally, Gail felt ashamed and embarrassed that Holly had seen her in such a state. She leaned away from Holly and put her head back in her hands. "I'm…I'm sorry."

Holly moved so that she could put her hand on Gail's back again. "Honey, you don't need to apologize."

Gail shook her head. "No…I shouldn't…you don't need this."

"Ok, Gail? I don't know what's going on, but I'm here with you. I want to help you with whatever is happening. Please talk to me." Holly pleaded.

Gail lowered her hands to rub her thighs, her face pointed toward her feet. "I'm messed up, Holly."

Holly wasn't surprised by this admission. She knew that while Gail was very confident in some areas, like her appearance, she had deep insecurities in others. "We are all messed up."

Gail shook her head. "No, I mean, I'm really messed up. I'm broken."

Holly grabbed Gail's cheek and pulled it so they were facing each other. "Hey, that's not true. Don't say that."

Gail's furrowed her brow. "You would agree if you knew everything."

"Gail, I am never going to agree that you are broken. Please, just tell me what's going on." Holly said.

Gail turned her face back to her hands, which she had started to rub together again nervously. "I have a secret that I haven't ever told anyone. Something that I'm…ashamed of. Something scary and weird and messed up." She said in a very quiet and reluctant voice.

Holly was trying to work out in her mind what Gail could be hiding. "Honey, you can tell me."

She pondered this. The thought of sharing her burden with someone made her feel terrified and giddy at the same time. Holly is the only person she had ever trusted this much, but she was also the person she felt the most scared of losing.

"I'm afraid you won't want to be with me if I tell you." Gail whispered.

Holly scooted closer to Gail and took one of her hands in her own. If only Gail knew the depth of her feelings, she would understand that there was very little that Gail could do to drive her away. She wanted to confess how deeply she cared for the woman, but she wasn't sure now was the right time. "I'm not going anywhere, Gail."

Gail took a deep breath and decided to take the plunge. At this point, there was really no other choice. Holly had already seen her break down. The decision had been made as soon as she had opened the door.

"Um…ok…so today is…um…today is the day Jerry died." Gail stammered.

Holly's heart sunk. How did she not know that? "Honey, why didn't you tell me? I could have taken off to be with you."

"Because…I'm not fun to be with on this day. I didn't want you to see me like this." Gail said.

"You don't always have to be fun. If you're sad or having a hard time, I want you to tell me. That's what I'm here for. I want to be here for you when you need someone." Holly said reassuringly.

"I just…last year…I didn't handle it well." Gail closed her eyes at the memory.

"Well that's understandable. I can't even imagine how hard it must be." Holly hesitated, but decided to press for details to show that she wasn't afraid of the things Gail had done. "Do you want to tell me about it?"

"Well, it looked a lot like this. Me sitting on the couch crying. Only I was alone and I gave in to temptation." Gail could hardly believe she was admitting this.

"What temptation?" Holly asked innocently.

Gail started rubbing her thigh with her free hand, her eyes watching the motion. "Um…so…when I'm really upset, I feel like this sadness settles in my chest and I can't think about anything else. I can't feel any other emotion and no matter what I do, I can't make it stop. I've felt that way since high school, which is when I started…um…I figured out a way to just get a few minutes of relief."

Holly didn't say anything, not wanting to interrupt her girlfriend's confession, but she squeezed her hand to encourage her to continue.

Gail's heart was pounding and she felt like she might be sick, but she willed herself to continue. "I uh…sometimes I cut myself. Usually on the back of my hands. I know I shouldn't and I try not to, but sometimes the urge is just really intense because when I feel that sad, I just want to feel something else for even a couple of minutes. And when I…um…cut…the pain makes me not feel sad just for a little bit."

Holly worked really hard not to react. She didn't want Gail to think she was freaked out or afraid. She ran her thumb over the back of Gail's hand to let her know she was listening and still with her.

"So I um…last year on this day, I was really upset and so I cut myself a few times so I would feel better. But then I felt really ashamed because I always feel ashamed afterward. And I haven't done it since then, but today was just hard. And so when you called I was thinking about it." Gail lifted her eyes to look at the box cutter on the table.

Holly followed Gail's eyes to the object on the table and she felt a wave of horror wash over her. Not because she thought Gail was sick or broken, but because she couldn't imagine how terrible it must be to feel so sad that physical pain was an improvement. The sight of the old box cutter also caused the doctor in her to consider the risk Gail took of contracting tetanus or an infection each time she cut herself.

Gail was feeling nervous. She had just spilled her deepest, darkest secret and while Holly hadn't run or dropped her hand, she also hadn't said anything. Gail decided to just say out loud what she thought Holly might be feeling. "So it's ok, if you're freaked out. I know it's really messed up."

Holly squeezed Gail's hand again. "Honey, I am  _not_  freaked out. And I don't think you're broken and you haven't scared me away. I feel sad and worried because I don't want you to hurt yourself. But I don't think you're weird or crazy. I'm really grateful that you trusted me with this secret because I am sure it must have been really difficult to share. But I'm really glad you told me."

The blonde turned to look Holly in the eyes. The mixture of shock and hope on Gail's face broke Holly's heart again. "Really?" Gail asked.

"Of course, sweetheart. I'm so glad you told me because I want to be able to help you. I want you to be able to call me when you feel this way."

Holly wanted to say that she couldn't believe Gail hadn't called her earlier in the day, when she first started to feel this way. She wanted to be angry that Gail would rather sit and consider cutting herself than believe that Holly was a trustworthy confidant. But this wasn't about Holly and making Gail feel guilty about how she had dealt with her sadness was a surefire way to lose her trust. And she knew that Gail not telling her until now did not reflect on their relationship or Gail's confidence in her. Gail's reluctance to share her secret before now was due to her own feelings of shame.

Now that the secret was out and Holly was standing by her, Gail wanted to get everything out. She wasn't sure when she would feel this open to talking so she wanted Holly to have all the information she wanted right now. "So…do you have any questions? It's ok if you want to ask me about it."

Holly thought for a minute, considering whether it was wise to delve into the details. But she trusted that Gail wouldn't have offered if she didn't want to keep talking about it. "I do have a couple of questions. Have you ever cut yourself anywhere other than your hands? And was your intention ever to do permanent harm to yourself?"

Gail knew what Holly was implying, but she asked for clarification to give herself more time to formulate a response. "Are you asking if I've ever tried to commit suicide? Like by cutting my wrists?"

Holly bit her lip and held her breath. She hoped she hadn't offended Gail, but she also needed to know the answer. "Yes."

"I can't say I haven't ever thought about it, especially right after Jerry died. But I have never tried to kill myself and when I cut, it isn't ever with that in mind. The best way I could describe it would be to call it a coping mechanism, sort of like drinking alcohol or smoking cigarettes."

Holly breathed a sigh of relief. Not that Gail cutting herself was comforting, but the thought of Gail taking her own life or even thinking about it – well Holly didn't even want to consider it. "Ok, I'm really glad to hear that. Have you ever hurt yourself badly? Like have you ever needed stitches?"

Gail winced. She didn't want to answer, but knew she could trust Holly. "Yes. Only once. Right after Jerry died. Three stitches because I couldn't get it to stop bleeding." Gail looked away, feeling embarrassed.

Holly ran her hand in circles over Gail's back. "Hey, it's ok. I'm still not freaked out, ok?"

Gail nodded and turned back toward Holly.

"Has anyone ever noticed the cuts?" Holly asked.

Gail shook her head. "No one noticed when I was in high school, which isn't shocking. My parents weren't exactly attentive. Traci asked me about the stitches because she visited me in the hospital after I was…um, kidnapped. I guess she remembered I didn't have them then but I just brushed it off and she didn't press me."

Holly nodded. "You said you haven't done it since last year, but have you wanted to cut between then and now?"

Gail blushed. "I want to do it a lot. Pretty much any time I'm upset or sad. But usually the urge isn't overwhelming. I have certain triggers that make the urge stronger."

"Would you tell me what they are?" Holly asked tentatively.

"Um, seeing any kind of self-harm on TV or movies. Looking at certain sharp objects when I'm in a particular mood. And if I let myself think about how it feels to do it, even if I'm not upset, that will make me want to do it." Gail said.

Holly nodded. "Ok so how can I help you not to do it when you feel like you want to."

"Holly, I can't…I don't want to promise that I'll never do it again. Because I will want to keep that promise but if I can't keep it…" Gail closed her eyes.

Holly interrupted. "Ok. I'm not going to make you promise. I don't want you to feel pressured and if it does happen, I don't want you to feel too guilty to tell me about it. But I do want to be clear that I don't want you to cut yourself because I care about you and I don't want you to hurt yourself. And I want to do whatever I can to help you."

Gail turned to look back at Holly. She had tears in her eyes and she smiled slightly. "Thank you. That really means a lot to me." She took a deep breath and let it out. "To tell the truth, I don't know what will help. I mean usually I just distract myself with something else until the urge passes. Being around certain people helps. It's when I'm alone with my thoughts that things are the worst."

Holly nodded, sympathy engraved on her face. "Ok, so what if you just call me or text me if you want to do it? I can talk to you until you feel better or if I can, I'll come over and keep you company."

"I will try my best. I think it will be hard to talk about sometimes, but I will try." Gail replied truthfully.

Holly nodded and then hesitated before asking the next question on her mind. "Have you ever tried talking to a therapist about this? I don't want you to think I don't want to talk about it. You can always talk to me about it. Anytime you want. But a therapist might have some good techniques you could use when you feel tempted." Holly said nervously. She didn't want Gail to feel like she was handing her off for someone else to deal with, but she also knew that an expert opinion could be helpful.

"I've been to therapists before and to be honest, I didn't get anything out of them. I haven't ever talked to a therapist about this specifically, but I did go for a while after Jerry. It usually felt like a waste of time." Gail said.

"Ok, well I'm not going to force you to go. But will you think about it? I could ask some of my doctor friends for a good referral and if you want me to come with you, I will. And if you go and you hate it, then you don't have to go back. I'm always going to be here, but sometimes specialists know things that I won't know to say or ask you. Again, I'm not pressuring you. If you think about it and you decide you don't want to, I won't think any less of you."

"Ok, I'll think about it." Gail conceded.

Holly nodded. "Ok. Thank you." Holly paused. "Has it…I don't want this to sound bad…but have you felt tempted when you were with me?"

"Not really, no. I think because I don't ever feel consumed by sadness when I'm with you. I feel lighter when you're around." Gail replied bashfully.

Holly smiled. "I'm so glad you feel that way. I want to be that for you. I feel so happy when I'm with you, even if I've had the worst day." Holly looked back at the coffee table. "So do you still feel the urge to cut right now?"

Gail continued to look at Holly's face. "No, not particularly. But if I look at the box cutter I will because I've used it before so it has connotations in my mind."

Holly looked back at Gail. "Is it ok, if I get rid of it?"

Gail hesitated, but eventually nodded.

Holly immediately stood and picked up the box cutter. She walked to the back door, went outside and put the object in a nearby dumpster. She didn't want to just hide it in a drawer for Gail to stumble upon later. She wanted it out of Gail's sight forever. She knew she couldn't shield Gail completely, but anything she could do, she would.

When she came back in the apartment, Gail was still sitting on the couch, but with her head resting on the back of it, her eyes closed. Holly walked back around and sat down next to Gail. She wasn't touching her, but was within reach in case Gail wanted to reach out.

"How are you feeling now? Is there anything else you need to talk about?" Holly asked softly.

Without looking up or moving her head, Gail reached out for Holly's hand. When the brunette took it, Gail sighed. "I feel better. Less like the darkness is going to smother me." Holly squeezed her hand and Gail looked up. "You don't have to stay. I'm sure you're exhausted and want to get some sleep. I'll be ok."

"I'd really like to stay if that's ok? It's not that I don't trust that you're ok, but I don't want you to be alone tonight and truthfully, it will make me feel better. I don't think I'll be able to sleep if I leave. I just want to be here if you need anything. But we don't have to talk about anything. We can just go to bed or watch a movie or whatever we would normally do. I'm feeling a little clingy." Holly said shyly.

Gail nodded and moved to get up from the couch. She was glad her girlfriend was going to stay. Even though she was feeling much better, she knew that Holly's presence would make it easier to stay that way. When she got to the stairs, she stopped and turned around, grabbing Holly's shoulders. The brunette looked back with a questioning look.

"Holly. Thank you for listening and for not freaking out. I honestly can't believe I told you that, but I don't regret it and that's saying a lot. Thank you for supporting me and for not pressuring me." Gail's eyes were so earnest that Holly's own began to water.

"You're welcome. I meant everything I said. I'm not freaked out and I want to be here for you. I'm not going anywhere." Holly pulled Gail in for a hug, remembering how just a short while ago, the blonde was sobbing uncontrollably. The thought made her squeeze her girlfriend a bit tighter.

Gail leaned back and bit her lip. She wasn't sure if this was the right time, but she couldn't keep it in any longer. Holly had seen all of her laid bare, every dark and twisted part of her, and she was still here. "Holly…I love you."

The confession made Holly's eyes water even more, a single tear slipping down her cheek. "Oh honey, I love you too. So much. I wanted to tell you earlier, but I wasn't sure it was an appropriate time considering what we were talking about. But I do, love you. Please let me help you carry this burden."

Gail nodded and brought her lips to Holly's. The kiss wasn't long, but it was tender. She pulled away and turned back toward the stairs, pulling Holly's hand with her. "Come on, Lunchbox. Let's get some sleep."

* * *

Over the next days and weeks, Gail did her best to contact Holly when she felt the urge to cut. It wasn't often as the women spent most of their free time together and Gail rarely felt the urge to cut when she was with Holly. Three weeks after Gail had told Holly her secret, Gail had to attend a family dinner alone. Holly was covering a graveyard shift on the weekend due to an outbreak of the flu that had hit the lab pretty hard and Steve was unable to make it because of a case. Elaine, who kept her jabs to a minimum when guests or even Steve were present, was in rare form. She took every opportunity to insult Gail's looks, intelligence, ambition and skill as a police officer. The only thing she didn't fault was Gail's choice in girlfriend. Holly was a doctor after all. But she did question why someone like Holly would fall for someone like Gail. And Bill hadn't once said a word to defend his only daughter.

When Gail finally left, she felt despondent. She considered calling Holly, but she didn't want to bother her and if she was being honest, part of her felt so terrible about herself that she thought she deserved to be alone. Shortly after she got home, she felt her phone buzz with a text message from Holly.

**Lunchbox** : How was dinner? Did she at least serve something without tomatoes in it this time?

**Cop** : It wasn't good.

**Lunchbox** : What happened? Are you ok?

**Cop** : My mom told me everything that's wrong with me. And not really.

Shortly after she sent the last message, her phone rang. Gail hesitated, but decided to answer because otherwise Holly would worry.

"Hey." Gail said sadly.

"Hi, honey. Do you need to talk about it?" Holly asked as she walked down the hall to her office for a little more privacy. Not that there were many employees in the building at this hour.

"Um, I don't really know what to say. My mom pretty much thinks I'm a failure at everything." Gail's voice shook.

"Sweetheart. You are not a failure. And your mother can go to hell as far as I'm concerned." Holly growled.

Gail replied through tears. "Yeah." She was silent for a moment. "I don't know if I'm up for talking."

Holly scrunched up her face with worry. "I really don't want to end the call with you this upset. Can you…are you feeling tempted to cut?" Holly had taken to asking if Gail didn't mention it, but only when Gail seemed very upset, which before today had only been twice. Gail had said she didn't mind being asked as long as it wasn't every single time she expressed a negative emotion.

Gail's face flushed and she squeezed her eyes shut. Even though she didn't mind Holly asking, she still hated to answer. "Yeah, kind of."

"What's the number?" This was another question Holly had taken to asking when they were discussing Gail's desire to cut. The first time it had come up, Holly had asked her to rate her desire on a scale from one to ten. From then on, she used the rating to help her gauge Gail's level of distress and thus what Holly's response should be. Gail had never answered with a number higher than four.

"Um…nine." Gail choked out.

Holly's blood ran cold and she sucked in a breath. "I'm coming over right now. I will take my dinner break early. Let's just keep talking until I get there, ok?" Gail could hear the concern in Holly's voice.

"It's not a big deal. You don't have to…" Gail started.

"Gail, I'm already walking to my car. I'm coming." Holly tried to think of something to distract the blonde. "Can you tell me about what you did earlier today?" Holly knew it was weak, but she was having trouble thinking of anything other than Gail being alone in her apartment.

Tears were now rolling down Gail's cheeks. "I can't…Holly…I'm sorry…"

"Gail, please don't hang up. Please just…stay on with me until I get there. Please. I'll talk, ok? You don't have to say anything." Holly waited for some response, but all she could hear was Gail sniffling.

Holly talked about her day and the cases she was working on. She drove much faster than she should have, but her usually safety-conscious mindset had taken a backseat to the panic in her chest. Gail hadn't spoken in nearly 10 minutes, but the call was still connected. When she arrived at Gail's apartment, Holly told Gail to open the door and then sprinted up three flights of stairs to get there. She waited anxiously for the door to open, finally hearing the lock click. She lowered the phone from her ear and held her breath until the door swung open.

Gail stood with her eyes pointed at the floor, but Holly could tell she was still crying. The brunette pushed inside and wrapped Gail in a hug. Gail put her face in Holly's neck and cried softly. She wasn't sobbing like she had when she had first shared her secret with Holly and the brunette was thankful for that. After only a couple of minutes, Gail leaned back and walked over to sit on the couch. Holly followed, glancing down at the coffee table as she sat. She was happy to see that the table was free of any sharp objects.

Gail took a deep breath and scooted into the side of the couch opposite Holly, her knees pulled up to her chest. "You didn't have to come."

Holly made a mental note about the distance Gail had placed between them. She gave the blonde a sympathetic look and said, "Yes I did, Gail."

Gail looked away from her and shrugged her shoulders. "It's not a big deal if I do it. I'm a screw up anyway."

Holly shook her head and steeled herself against the anxiety she felt. "I know you're upset about what you're mom said. But you aren't a screw up and I don't like it when you talk about yourself like that. And I know that it doesn't feel like it, but it would be a big deal if you cut yourself. It would be a big deal to me."

"Well if you don't like the things I'm saying, you don't have to stay." Gail said defensively.

Holly tried not to take Gail's biting words personally. "Gail, I know you're hurting, but I'm not the enemy here."

Gail looked down when she realized what a jerk she was being. She was taking her pain out on Holly who had left early just so she could come sit with her. "I'm sorry. God, I'm really sorry, Holly. You don't deserve that." She brought her hand up to cover her face.

Holly watched the guilt take over her girlfriend's face. But she wanted to comfort Gail, not make her feel worse. "Is it ok if I sit closer?" Holly was an affectionate person and she hated feeling like she had to ask to touch Gail when she was so clearly struggling.

"Yeah." Gail said without looking up from her hands.

Holly moved so that her side was pressed into Gail's legs, which she was still hugging to her chest. Holly took the hand that was covering Gail's face and held it with both of her own. "Will you talk to me? I'm here for you."

Gail sighed sadly. "My mother thinks I'm a huge disappointment. She told me my haircut makes me look like a boy and that I had clearly gained weight. She said I was letting down the family name because I'm still a beat cop. She said I didn't deserve you because you are obviously brilliant and ambitious."

"Oh honey." Holly couldn't take it anymore. She pulled Gail so that her head lay against her chest. "Your mother is an idiot." Gail chuckled a little at that. "I mean it. You are beautiful. Your haircut makes you look nothing like a boy. I know this because on the spectrum of sexuality, I am a gold star lesbian. No part of me wants to do the things to a boy that I did to you just last night. And as someone who has inspected every inch of your body, I can firmly state that it is so incredibly sexy and perfectly proportioned. As for letting down the family name? From what I understand, Pecks are raised to serve and protect the people of this city, which you do every single day no matter what kind of danger it puts you in. And finally, no one decides what I deserve besides me and trust me when I say you are everything I have ever wanted and needed. You make me feel special and loved and I can't imagine what I would do without you."

Gail smirked and mumbled into Holly's chest. "You really do use a lot of words, nerd."

Holly laughed and shook her head. "I could talk about all the reasons I love you all day long, Gail Peck."

Gail smiled at Holly's sentiment. She still felt a flutter in her chest every time Holly said it. She leaned away to look in Holly's face. "You're on your dinner break, which means you need food before you go back." Gail moved to get up, but Holly pulled her back in.

"Wait. Are you feeling better? Are you going to be ok when I go back to work?" Holly wanted to make sure that Gail wasn't just stuffing her emotion down only to have it resurface when she was alone.

Gail looked Holly in the eyes so she would see that she was sincere. "Yes, Lunchbox. I'm ok."

"What's the number now?" Holly asked quietly.

Gail pondered for a moment. "A two."

Holly puffed out a sigh of relief, feeling some of the tension leave her body. "I'm really glad to hear that, love."

"I'm sorry you were freaked out, Holly." Gail said seriously.

Holly quickly shook her head. "I wasn't freaked out. Not like you think. I was just worried. I don't like the thought of you hurting yourself."

Gail nodded. "I know." She allowed herself to be pulled into one more hug, knowing that this one was for Holly's comfort and not her own.

When she pulled away, she made her way to the kitchen, yelling, "Lunchbox, I'm sorry to tell you that I don't have nearly as much green rabbit food as I know you like so it's gonna be leftover Chinese for you."

Holly laughed, allowing the rest of her worry to melt away at the sight of Gail's smile.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter requires a major trigger warning for self-harm and suicide. Please don't read if it will affect you negatively. I wrote this chapter because sometimes, even if you have the best support, circumstances are such that you end up giving in to temptation. How you deal with that and how the people around you deal with that is important to explore. As I'm sure you can imagine, Holly is the best.

Several weeks later, Gail was sitting on Holly's bed, watching her girlfriend pack a bag.

"Ok, I think that's everything." Holly sighed. She hated packing. Too many decisions to have to make in advance.

"What no flannel? Are you sure you're a lesbian?" Gail deadpanned.

Holly rolled her eyes. "Seeing as this is a work conference, flannel isn't exactly appropriate. And I would think what we did this morning would leave no doubt about my sexual orientation."

Gail blushed, but quickly recovered. "Well tonight I better suck on your neck so all the other nerds will know that you're taken." She made her way across the bed and perched on her knees, pulling Holly to her by her waist.

Holly put her hands on her girlfriend's shoulders. "I only have eyes for you, Officer Peck." She leaned in for a quick kiss. "So what are you going to do while I'm gone? Have you made plans with anyone?"

Gail shrugged. "Meh. I'll probably just hang out at home. Clean my place, maybe read that book you've been nagging me about."

A look of concern crossed Holly's face and Gail noticed. "What?" The blonde asked skeptically.

Holly realized her face was giving away her thoughts and tried to cover with a smile. "Oh nothing."

Gail shook her head. "Nope. I already caught you so just give it up."

Holly's shoulders sagged. "Ugh. Why am I dating a cop?" She huffed. "It's not a big deal. I just feel a little nervous about leaving."

"Why? You love nerd gatherings." Gail said, feeling a little perplexed.

Holly bit her lip timidly. "Promise you won't get mad when I tell you?"

Gail sighed and squeezed Holly's hips. "Lunchbox. Just tell me. I promise I won't freak out."

Holly started talking rapidly and gesturing with her hands. "Ok so I just feel nervous about you spending that much time alone. I know you're a grown up and you don't need me to mother you, but you told me that you feel more tempted to cut when you're alone. And I know you have to be alone sometimes and that a lot of the time you are perfectly fine when you're alone, but usually I'm just a phone call away. And maybe I shouldn't be worrying about this at all because you're an adult and you can take care of yourself…"

Gail interrupted her. "Holly! Breathe."

Holly sucked in a breath and then let it out slowly, taking the time to compose herself. "Sorry, I just don't want you to think that I think you're weak or you can't take care of yourself or that just because I'm gone, I think you won't be ok."

Gail ran her hands up and down Holly's sides. "Hey, it's ok. I understand why you're worried. I mean cutting is something I struggle with, but you're my girlfriend so it affects you too. I don't know what it feels like to be on your side of it so I'm not going to get mad about you being concerned that I'll be alone."

Holly sighed as a wave of relief washed over her. "I just really love you and hate the thought that if you needed someone, I wouldn't be there."

"Lunchbox, you are always there for me. Even if you're across the country, I know that if I really needed you to come back, you would in a heartbeat."

"I would. I really would." Holly nodded sincerely.

"But I've been doing really well lately. I don't think a few days alone is going to send me into a spiral. Even when I'm alone, I'm not really alone cause I have you. And we'll talk and text. You'll know what's going on so try not to worry."

Holly gripped Gail's shoulders and shook them slightly. "Ok. Just call me if you need me. If I can't answer, I'll call you back as soon as I can."

"I will. I promise." Gail pulled Holly in for a hug

* * *

Holly had been out of town for two days and would be gone for two more. Gail missed her girlfriend, but so far, she had enjoyed having some extra time to take care of random things like cleaning her apartment and renewing her passport. Not that she couldn't do those things with Holly around, but she hated to squander time she could be spending with her girlfriend on menial life tasks.

Gail and Dov were out on patrol and so far it had been a fairly quiet day. A few speeding tickets and a report of a suspicious vehicle that had disappeared by the time they arrived. As they pulled up to the address of their latest call, a wellness check, Gail pondered what delicious food she would eat for dinner. She was taking full advantage of the fact that her more health conscious girlfriend was not around, allowing Gail to eat anything and everything she wanted. She had decided she deserved a splurge.

"What was the report on this one?" She asked as she walked up the sidewalk to the house.

"Twenty-five year old female. No show to work for two days." Dov replied.

Gail nodded as they approached the door and knocked. When there was no answer, they tried again. "Police. Is anyone home?" Still no response.

"I'll check the back." Gail said. She walked around the house and into the backyard. When she approached the back door, she noticed that it was slightly ajar. Before entering, she spoke into her radio. "Dov, back door is open." She drew her gun as she waited for Dov to join her. When he arrived, she signaled that she would take the lead. On a silent count of three, they moved into the house. Dov cleared the kitchen while Gail moved into the adjacent bedroom. So far nothing seemed amiss. Gail checked the closet and then moved toward the ensuite bathroom. As soon as she reached the threshold, she saw the blood. Stunned by the sight before her, Gail gulped and worked to control her breathing. Her eyes were trained on the woman's wrists, but she did not move further into the bathroom, her training to protect the scene breaking through her shock. Trying to recover, she turned around, took a deep breath and yelled out a bit shakily, "Dov. In here."

Thirty minutes later, detectives and forensics arrived. Dov and Gail gave their statements, but Gail said little else and didn't interact with any of the other cops present. She stood outside, leaning up against the squad car, staring at the ground. The image of the woman played over and over in her mind. She couldn't stop seeing the cuts and she rubbed her hands together as she imagined what it must have felt like. Dov made his way down the sidewalk and she startled when he spoke.

"We're cleared to leave. Ready to get out of here?" He asked.

Barely breaking free from her thoughts, she hummed and opened the door to get inside. The ride back was quiet, even Dov seemed to have been affected by their discovery. When they got back to the station, Gail went directly to the locker room. She sat down on a bench and pulled out her phone to text Holly.

**Cop: Can you call me when you get this? I need to talk to you.**

Gail changed out of her uniform and went directly to her car, moving quickly so as to avoid having to talk to anyone on her way out of the station. She drove to her apartment in silence, not bothering to turn on the radio. She wouldn't remember the drive later, her mind was too occupied to focus on anything but the memory of the blood and her growing desire.

When she arrived at her apartment, she dropped all of her stuff by the door and walked over to the couch. She sat down and stared at the coffee table for a few minutes before finally pulling out her phone. With shaky hands, she hit the speed dial for Holly. The call went straight to voicemail.

"Holly. I need you to call me back. Please. As soon as you get this. It's really important. Today I…just call me back." She knew her voice sounded pained and that Holly would likely panic when she heard the message, but she was passed the point of being able to put on a brave front.

Ten minutes later, Gail was starting to get desperate. She felt like the urge was slowly filling her up, taking up each nook and cranny in her mind. She was nearing the point that she didn't want to resist the temptation anymore and didn't see a reason to. She grabbed her phone and called Holly again, reaching her voicemail a second time.

"Holly. Please. Call me. I need you to call me. It's an emergency." Gail was starting to doubt that Holly wanted to talk to her. She was having a hard time not believing that Holly was glad to be away from Gail and her dark thoughts, her strange temptations. Holly had told her that she wanted to help, that it wasn't a burden to her. But why wasn't she answering and why hadn't she called her back? Gail tried to think logically. Holly was at a conference. She could be in a lecture where she'd need to turn her phone off. Maybe she was in a room that didn't get good reception. As much as she wanted to believe these innocent explanations, her current state of mind was causing her doubts to win out.

Why wouldn't Holly want a break from her? Her struggles were weird and intense. Holly was probably happy to have an excuse to not have to deal with her and her darkness. And even if those things weren't true, Gail was alone right now. And she really wanted to feel something sharp break her skin. She wanted to feel the pain and let it saturate her mind, easing the overwhelming temptation, even if just for a minute.

Gail stood from the couch and walked into the kitchen. She opened a drawer and pulled out a pair of scissors. Without another seconds thought, she drew the sharp edge across her skin. She felt the momentary release, her mind stilling for a few precious seconds. But shortly after, she looked down at the cut and the blood and felt the familiar shame wash over her. Before today, she had been able to resist cutting for the longest stretch of time since she had first started. But now she was back to square one. She thought about Holly and closed her eyes. What would her girlfriend think? She would be so disappointed in Gail's weakness. And she would probably be freaked out. It was one thing to deal with the concept of cutting and a whole different thing to deal with the reality.

Gail threw the scissors across the room angrily. She hated herself. Bringing her hands to her head, she ran them through her hair in frustration. Not bothering to tend to the cut on her hand, she paced back and forth behind the couch before walking around and sitting down. Tears began to run down her face as the realization of what she had done hit her full force. She cried until exhaustion took over and then she lay on the couch and fell asleep.

* * *

Several hours later, Gail woke to the sound of her phone ringing. She picked it up off the coffee table and saw her girlfriend's face on the screen. She nearly answered it until she was reminded of her earlier weakness by the cut on her hand. She felt too embarrassed to admit to Holly what she had done so she let the call go to voicemail. She noticed she had missed several text messages and had seven other missed calls from Holly. Her phone dinged with the sound of a new voicemail and when she opened the menu, she noticed she had two others. She had been asleep for almost three hours and had slept through all of the previous calls and texts. She knew she should call Holly back, but she also knew she would have to tell Holly what had happened and she wasn't sure she was ready for that. Instead, she pushed the button to listen to the voicemails, one after the other.

"Gail, I just got your messages. I'm sorry I couldn't answer. The area of the conference center we were in didn't have any reception. But I'm on a break for about an hour so call me back, ok? I don't know what happened but I love you."

"Gail, I haven't heard from you and I'm starting to worry. You sounded really upset in your messages and I'm not sure why you're not answering. I'm keeping my phone on and will leave the next lecture when you call so call me back. I really want to hear from you ok? Please call me back. I love you."

"Ok Gail, I don't know what happened, but it's been hours and I haven't heard from you. I am  _freaking_  out. I called the station to see if you were there, but they said you left hours ago. You have to call me back now. If you don't call me back in ten minutes, I'm going to call Steve or Oliver and make them go to your apartment. I'm not joking, Gail. I am really worried. Call. Me. Back. I love you."

Gail felt guilty. The messages she had left for Holly in combination with her subsequent silence had sent her girlfriend into a tailspin. She didn't doubt that if she failed to call her back in the next few minutes, Holly would call her brother or Oliver in a panic. The last thing she needed was for one of them to show up with questions. She took a deep breath and pressed the button to call her girlfriend. Holly picked up before the first ring even finished.

"Gail? Are you ok?" Holly said frantically.

"Yeah, I'm ok." Gail said quietly.

Holly, who had moved back to her room after the third unanswered call from Gail, sat down on the bed, feeling lightheaded from the relief. "Oh my god. Where have you been? Why didn't you answer? I was worried out of my mind." Gail could tell from Holly's nasally voice that she had been crying.

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry you were worried. I fell asleep and I just woke up." Gail replied. She felt terrible for causing Holly so much angst.

Having imagined the many things that could have possibly happened, Holly was angry that it was something as simple as Gail falling asleep. "You fell asleep? You left me two of the most terrifying voice messages I have ever received in my life and then you fell asleep?"

Gail winced. She couldn't blame Holly for being upset. If their places had been reversed, Gail would be livid. "I'm really sorry. I sort of had a break down and then I crashed on the couch."

"Gail, what happened?" Holly asked tensely.

For a split second, she thought about lying to Holly. But she knew that even if Holly bought a fake story, as soon as her girlfriend got home, she'd notice the cut on Gail's hand. Not to mention she would feel terrible for keeping something from Holly. The truth was the only option and she might as well get it over with so she could face the consequences. "Um…I…something happened at work today."

A new surge of panic gripped Holly's chest. "Are you hurt? Please tell me you aren't calling me from the hospital."

"No, I didn't get hurt…at work." If Holly noticed the distinction that Gail had made, she didn't indicate it. "Um, we responded to a call, a wellness check. The back door was open and when we went inside we found the woman in the bathtub. She had…she killed herself."

Oh god. Holly's blood ran cold and her heartbeat sped up. She had a feeling she knew where this was going. She hoped she was wrong. "Oh Gail. That's awful."

Gail rushed to finish the story. She needed to get it out before she lost the courage. "She…um…her wrists. She cut them. And I kind of lost it. I couldn't stop thinking about it so I called you because I was feeling really tempted. Like at a ten." She paused to prepare for the next part.

Holly's heart sank and she brought her hand up to rub her forehead. She hated that she hadn't answered when Gail called, when she needed her. "Honey, I'm so sorry I didn't answer. I hate that you were alone."

"It's ok. It wasn't your fault." All of Gail's earlier doubts about Holly wanting to avoid her had drifted away as soon as she had heard Holly's panic on those voicemails.

"Did you…Gail, did something happen when you got home?" Holly knew there was more to the story than Gail being tempted and then crying herself to sleep.

"Yeah." Gail choked out, tears starting to fill her eyes again.

Holly's heart broke another time. She was fairly certain she knew what had happened, but she needed to hear Gail say it. "You can tell me, love."

Gail sobbed a little at the term of endearment. She couldn't believe she was going to say this out loud. "I, um…I couldn't stop thinking about her wrists and what it must have felt like…and…I couldn't…I cut myself." The final admission was only a trembling whisper.

Holly closed her eyes and felt tears slip down her cheeks. Her heart was heavy. She hated that Gail had hurt herself and that she hadn't been there to talk to Gail when she so desperately needed someone. She felt terribly sad and didn't know what to say. "Oh, honey."

Gail wiped her face and shook her head. "It's ok if you're freaked out and don't want to see me anymore."

Holly was truly taken aback by this. "What? Gail, I'm not going to break up with you because you cut yourself. I love you. And I'm not freaked out, at least not in the way that would make me want to leave. I really hate that you hurt yourself and I'm worried about you, but I'm not going to leave you."

"I just…I let you down." She said quietly.

"Sweetheart. You did not let me down. I am not disappointed in you. I know it must have been very difficult to see that woman like that. I just hate that you were alone." Holly cried a little more.

"I should have waited for you to call me back. I should have been stronger." Gail said emphatically.

"Gail, please don't beat yourself up. You did the best you could." The distance between them was making Holly crazy. All she wanted was to be able to give Gail a hug. "Did you…how bad is the cut?"

Gail looked down at her hand. "Not bad. It already stopped bleeding."

Holly closed her eyes at the mention of blood. She tried not to focus on that image. "I'm so sorry I didn't answer when you called. How are you doing now? Do you still want to cut?"

Gail's response was soft and sad. "I'm...I don't really know what to say. I feel really ashamed and embarrassed."

"Sweetie, I'm not going to tell you not to feel what you feel, but as far as I'm concerned, you don't need to be ashamed or embarrassed. I know that you hate that you gave in to temptation, but you tried to reach out. And what happened, happened. We can't change it. But I'm here for you and I want to help. Just tell me what you need."

"I wish you were here." Gail immediately hated herself for saying it. Holly already felt bad enough without Gail adding to it.

"You have no idea how badly I wish I were with you right now. If you need me to come back, I will change my flight right now." Holly said with sincerity.

Dismissing the idea, Gail answered, "You don't need to do that. That would probably cost a lot of money. I'll be fine."

Not feeling convinced, Holly again asked the question that Gail had avoided. "Do you want to cut yourself again?"

"I don't want to answer that question." Gail said, suddenly feeling protective of her own dark thoughts.

"I need you to answer, Gail. What's the number?" She wasn't going to give in on this one.

"If I tell you that, you're going to want to come home and then I'm going to feel even more guilty about messing up your trip."

"Sweetheart, you aren't messing anything up. But if you don't tell me, I'm definitely going to book a flight home." Holly felt a strange mixture of heartbreak and frustration.

Knowing that Holly wasn't bluffing, Gail sighed. "Seven."

That was way too high for Holly's liking. "Ok. I really don't want you to cut yourself again. What can I do? If we talk for a while will that help? Do you need to tell me about seeing that woman or what you felt when you cut yourself? Do you want me to call someone to come over and hang out with you?" She was desperate to find a solution.

"I honestly don't know. This is a new situation for me. I don't know how to stop seeing that woman's wrists." Gail hated admitting it, but she was resigned to the fact that Holly wasn't going to relent.

A new thought crossed Holly's mind that made her freeze in fear. "Where did you cut yourself? You're not thinking about doing what that woman did are you?"

"I cut myself on my hand. And if you're asking if I want to kill myself, the answer is no. But I can't lie and say that part of me isn't thinking about what it would feel like to cut myself there." She cringed. Hearing it out loud made it sound crazy.

Holly felt like her chest was being crushed with the weight of the terror she felt. She replied shakily, "That's really scary, honey."

Gail winced. The last thing she wanted was to scare Holly. "I'm sorry. We don't have to talk about this. I'll be ok. You probably have somewhere you have to be anyway."

"There is no way we are getting off the phone so don't even think about it. And you don't need to apologize. I want you to tell me what you're really thinking and feeling. I just have to be honest that the idea of you cutting your wrists, even if you aren't thinking about killing yourself, really terrifies me." Holly said tensely.

"I know this is going to sound really dumb, but why? Why does me cutting myself on my hand not worry you as much as me cutting myself on my wrist?" Gail asked.

Holly paused for a moment while she formulated a response. "Because even though I believe you when you say you aren't having suicidal thoughts, I'm scared that if you cut yourself on your wrist, it could escalate or that you could accidentally cut too deep. To be clear, I don't want you to cut anywhere at all. All of it worries me. But the top of your hand...there is just a smaller chance of there being more serious results than just a cut."

"That makes sense. Holly, be honest, is this conversation freaking you out? It has to be freaking you out." Gail said worriedly.

Holly sighed. "It's uncomfortable to talk about. Because I don't want to think about you being hurt at all. And I don't know how to help you right now. And to be honest, it does freak me out to talk about suicide, not because I don't believe you that you aren't suicidal, but because putting you and suicide in the same sentence...it makes me feel like I can't breathe. I can't think about anything like that happening to you. There isn't a strong enough word to convey how terrible it is."

"That's not going to happen, Lunchbox. I know it's hard to understand when you aren't in it and you can't know my thoughts and feel what I'm feeling, but none of this is about me wanting to die. I'm not going to do that." Gail needed to make that point very clear.

"Do you promise? I know you didn't want to promise about cutting and I understand that and I won't make you promise you won't do that, but I need you to promise that you aren't thinking of doing anything more serious. I just need to hear you say it because it's really, really difficult to be so far away from you right now." Holly's voice was trembling with emotion.

"Yes. I promise I'm not going to do that. I can say that without any fear of breaking that promise. I'm not in that place like I was after Jerry died." Gail said firmly.

Holly let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. "Ok. I'm really glad to hear that. It makes me feel a little less panicky."

"I'm really sorry you were so worried, Holly. I didn't think I would sleep through your calls." Gail said sheepishly.

"It's ok. We're talking now. I just didn't know what to think. I didn't know if you got hurt at work or if someone else got hurt or if you were struggling with your thoughts. My imagination was running wild. And it didn't help that I'm so far away and can't just drive to your apartment to see that you're ok." Holly explained.

"I know. I'm sorry." Gail said again.

"It's really ok. You didn't do anything on purpose. But anyway, how are you feeling now?" Holly wasn't sure how they had gotten so off track. She needed to make sure Gail was not going to cut again.

"I'm ok. I feel a little better. I was really worried about how you would react when I told you." Gail admitted.

"I can understand why you were worried. But you have to know that I love you so very much and you aren't going to scare me away. I'm not afraid of you and I'm not weirded out by you. I am worried about you. But I will always be worried about you. Even if you didn't struggle with this. You're a cop and I'm a worrier. But I'm not going to leave you. I'm in this, Gail. For the long haul."

The sincerity of Holly's words made Gail tear up again. "I love you, Lunchbox. I don't know how I got so lucky."

"I love you too, sweetheart. And I feel just as lucky to be with you."

Gail took a moment to let that sink in and then jumped to a new topic. "Ok, so when is your next session?"

Holly was startled by the abrupt change in subject. She pulled the phone away from her ear to check the time and then said, "In an hour. It's the last session for the day. But Gail, I can skip it if you need to stay on the phone."

"No, you've already skipped enough. If I know you, you probably went back to your room and paced a hole in the carpet after about four missed calls."

Holly blushed. "Three. But that doesn't matter. I don't want to get off the phone if..."

Gail interrupted her. "We're not going to get off the phone right now. We're going to talk for a little while longer, you're going to tell me about the nerdy things you have learned and then when it's time for you to go to your session, I'm going to call Steve and ask him if he wants to have dinner or watch a movie or whatever. And if he's not available, I'll call Chris and Dov and see if they want to play video games. Because if I'm with people, I won't cut myself. And you will feel less worried if I'm not alone with my thoughts."

Holly dropped her head in relief. "Yeah. That will make me feel better. I wish I was there though. I want to be the one who is with you."

"I know. Me too. But just two more days." Gail said, trying to reassure her girlfriend.

"Yeah." A beat of silence passed. "So before we switch subjects, because I'm having trouble shifting gears, are you ok? Do we need to talk about anything else? Are you still feeling like you want to cut?" Holly couldn't just skip over everything that quickly. It was fairly normal for her girlfriend to go from a serious conversation to making jokes and usually Holly was ok with that. But this wasn't a conversation about Gail's mother or her job, it felt more serious than that and she needed to make sure Gail wasn't just sweeping everything under a rug to make her feel better.

"I'm better. Talking to you helped. I'm at about a four right now. We can talk about it more if you want, but I think I'm ok to move on." Gail answered truthfully.

"Ok so you're not just switching the subject to keep me from worrying?" Holly asked hesitantly.

"No. I mean, I don't like making you worry, but I know that's going to happen. I'm just ready to not think about everything that happened, but not in an avoidance way, in a moving-forward way."

"Ok. Then let's move forward. Just promise you'll call me if you need me again. I'm going to pay attention to my phone and if I don't have service, I'm going to sneak outside every 30 minutes to check my messages. And before you say I don't have to do that, I know I don't, but trust me when I say it's going to make me feel better. Otherwise I'll be antsy and I won't be able to concentrate."

"I will call you if I need you. I promise. And if something happens, I will try really hard to wait the 30 minutes until you can check your phone." Gail said.

Holly nodded, even though Gail couldn't see. "Ok good. I love you, Gail. So much."

"I love you too, Lunchbox. Now tell me about your nerd convention." Gail settled into the couch, feeling so grateful to have found someone who would support her through anything. She told herself she would do the same for Holly, even if it included highly technical science ramblings.


	3. Chapter 3

Gail was shuffling back and forth on her feet, fidgeting her thumbs as she waited. She was excited to see Holly again, but she was also nervous. It had only been four days since her girlfriend had left for the conference, but god, did she miss that nerd. She missed the bashful half smile she got when Gail said something sentimental. She missed the way she pointed out all the inaccuracies on any medical or crime-centered TV show. And she missed the sleepy, contented expression on her face right after they had sex. More than anything, she missed kissing and touching and sleeping next to her girlfriend.

But along with the longing, a certain anxious tension occupied her chest. She had told Holly about cutting herself and her girlfriend couldn't possibly have responded better. She made Gail feel safe and understood. And there was no judgment or disappointment. But it was one thing to talk about those things over the phone, when you couldn't see the fear or worry in someone's eyes. She wanted to believe that everything would be the same as it had been before Holly left – before Gail had cut herself – but she couldn't be sure. And so she fidgeted.

When passengers started passing through the revolving door, Gail held her breath, waiting to see that dark, wavy hair and those beautiful, nerdy glasses. She didn't have to wait too long before her girlfriend appeared through the glass, dragging her carry on behind her. The blonde exhaled loudly, the relief of having Holly home spreading through her limbs. Holly looked around the room and Gail held up her hand to try to catch her attention. When their eyes met, Gail knew things were going to be ok. Holly donned a crooked grin and her shoulders sank as if she had just shaken off the weight of the world. She walked faster toward Gail and when she reached her, she dropped the handle of her bag and threw her arms around her girlfriend. Gail reciprocated, pulling her in close and breathing in the scent of her shampoo.

"It's not right how much I missed you in just four days," Holly mumbled into Gail's shoulder.

"Same here, Lunchbox. Things didn't feel right," Gail replied honestly.

Holly pulled back and cupped Gail's cheek, smiling at her before she leaned in for an easy kiss. When she came up for air, she had tears shining in her eyes. "I might be a little clingy for a day or two."

Gail chuckled. "I hope you aren't planning on having any personal space because I'm going to be all up in your grill."

And there it was, that soft smile, the one that Gail had so desperately missed. The one that communicated how lucky she felt to be loved by that snarky, prickly, wonderful cop.

"Let's go home, honey."

Gail nodded her agreement, grabbed the handle of the bag with one hand and Holly's hand with the other. She had worn an oversized baseball tee so that the sleeves would hang over the majority of her hands, covering her cut. Not that that mattered at the current moment. She hadn't consciously chosen to stand on this side of her girlfriend, but it occurred to her that the hand Holly was holding was the uninjured one; the one she hadn't cut.

A tiny prickle of unease lodged itself in her stomach. She didn't know what to expect. She thought Holly would probably want to talk about what had happened, to see how Gail was feeling. But wasn't sure what to do about the cut on her hand. Not that she could do anything really, but should she take the initiative to show it Holly? Would she even want to look at it? Or would she rather talk about Gail's feelings, but not address the cutting specifically. There were too many unanswered questions. And as much as she trusted Holly, she was in uncharted territory. She had never told anyone about cutting before. She had never had to face the look in someone's eyes after she had done it.

The drive to Holly's house was quiet. Their hands were threaded together and rested on the center console for the entire ride. Gail used her injured hand to hold the steering wheel, being sure to pull the sleeve out and trapping it under her palm to keep it in place. Holly's head rested against the back of her seat, her eyes closed.

"Are you tired?" Gail asked after glanced over at her girlfriend.

"Mmm, yeah. Traveling always wears me out," Holly said, a hint of exhaustion tinging her voice.

"If you want to go right to bed, I can sleep at my place tonight." Gail said it to be thoughtful. Or perhaps to postpone the conversation she was dreading.

Holly turned her face toward Gail and opened her eyes as she squeezed the blonde's hand. "I haven't seen you in four days, honey. There's no way I'm letting you leave my side for the entire weekend. I was completely serious about being clingy." She smiled wearily and then closed her eyes. "Besides, I just need to shower and I'll feel better."

Gail grinned a little, happy to know that Holly had missed her just as much as she had. "Ok, well, I can order some food and have it ready by the time you're finished showering. Then we can put on a dumb movie and you can nod off whenever you want."

"I love everything about that plan except for the part where I shower alone," Holly said flatly.

Gail giggled. "You really did miss me, huh?"

"A truly pathetic amount," Holly admitted.

"I'm glad it wasn't just me who was miserable," Gail joked.

"I usually love those conferences. But it was weird sleeping in a bed alone and I just wanted you to be around," Holly said shyly.

"I know what you mean. I kept rolling over in the middle of the night to get warm, but you weren't there." Gail paused to think about what she had just said. "And whoever thought the bitchy ice queen would say that?"

Holly gripped Gail's hand a little tighter. "Hey, you're  _my_ bitchy ice queen. And everyone knows your prickly exterior is a front to conceal the ooey gooey center."

"Hey, don't spread that around, Lunchbox. You'll ruin my street cred."

Holly smirked. "Whatever you say, Officer."

* * *

When they got to Holly's house, Gail stayed downstairs to order some food while Holly took her bag upstairs. When she completed her task, the blonde bounced on her feet and lingered by the kitchen counter. Holly had told her to join her upstairs when she was finished, but Gail felt nervous about that now. Joining Holly for a shower meant she would have to take off her shirt, exposing her cut, in full view of her girlfriend. She knew she shouldn't care, that she should trust that Holly wouldn't judge her. And she did trust her. But the thought of showing her cut to someone sent unpleasant chills down her spine. It wasn't about Holly and how she might respond. It was about revealing another part of herself, putting her darkness on display.

But what was the alternative? Holly knew about the cut. They would have to talk about it eventually and so far the nerdy doctor hadn't acted any differently than normal. Cutting was a part of who Gail. And even though it may not always be something she acted on, it would always be part of her twisted story. She had to be ok with Holly knowing every chapter of that story if she wanted their relationship to last.

With that thought in her head, Gail gathered every ounce of courage she could and made her way upstairs. When she walked into Holly's bedroom, she found the brunette sitting on the edge of the bed, looking at something on her phone. She heard the blonde approaching and looked up. "Oh hey, I was just checking some work emails while I waited for you. You ready to get wet?" Holly donned a grin.

Gail stood a short distance from the bed, her thumbs fidgeting while still hooked over the sleeves of her shirt. "Uh yeah. Why don't you get in and I'll join you in a minute."

Holly could see the insecurity on her girlfriend's face. "Are you ok, honey?"

Gail unconsciously moved her hands behind her back and looked at the floor. "Yeah, I'm good."

Holly noticed Gail's movements and knew without a doubt that something was bothering the blonde. She stood from the bed and came to stand in front of her girlfriend, hands reaching out to grip Gail's waist. "Hey, it's just me, love. We tell each other stuff, right?" She moved her thumbs up and down Gail's sides in a soothing gesture.

Gail couldn't meet Holly's eyes. She knew she shouldn't, but she suddenly felt ashamed - of the cutting and the fear of exposure. She took a deep breath and forced herself to say something, to take a leap and hope Holly would be there to catch her. "I um, I'm nervous about taking my shirt off."

For a split second, Holly was confused, but then she remembered the way her girlfriend had moved her hands behind her back, where she still held them. The doctor didn't even stop to think about what her next move should be. She had to reassure Gail that nothing had changed.

Slowly she moved her hands from Gail's waist up to her shoulders. Not stopping there, she continued on a downward path until she could gently hold Gail's forearms. She squeezed the timid blonde's right arm before dropping it so she could lay her left palm in her own. The hands remained there as Holly reached up with her other hand to tenderly cup the blonde's cheek and turn her head so they were facing each other. Holly smiled softly and nodded, pure adoration in her eyes. When Gail did not protest, Holly slipped her hand back down and gripped the woman's sleeve, gently pulling it up to reveal Gail's hand.

Starting at the top of Gail's wrist, a two inch long, rust-colored cut shown on her skin. It had already begun to scab over and the skin around the cut was pink, standing out in sharp contrast to the milky white of her hand. Holly traced her fingers lightly around the cut and then moved them down to hold Gail's wrist.

Holding her breath, a tightness in her chest, Gail watched as Holly lowered her head to dust a kiss over the cut. When she lifted her head again, she gripped the pale fingers so as not to lose contact as she eased their joined hands down by their hips. Holly looked into Gail's wet eyes and smiled again. "I love you, Gail. I'm not going anywhere."

A tear slipped down her cheek as Gail nodded. She moved forward and placed her forehead on Holly's shoulder. The brunette wrapped her free hand around Gail's waist, still unwilling to let go of Gail's hand. They stood in an embrace for several minutes, both women crying softly. When Gail leaned away to wipe her face, Holly squeezed her fingers and whispered, "Come on, let's take a shower."

* * *

The tension in Gail's shoulders and chest slipped away as the women showered together. They touched and caressed and just felt the wonder of being in each other's arms again.

Few words were exchanged, during the shower or afterward while they ate dinner. Their conversation consisted mostly of whispered  _I love you_ 's and shy  _I missed you_ 's. But as soon as they had finished their meal, Gail felt the unease settle heavily in the pit of her stomach, making her really regret that second eggroll.

Despite Holly's tender display of acceptance before their shower, the actual conversation was still to follow. Gail was not looking forward to that. She believed that Holly loved her, that she wasn't going to leave because of the cutting, but the fact remained that Gail had cut herself and they were going to have to talk about it. Talking about the possibility of a dark and twisted thing was very different than facing the reality of that thing actually happening.

Gail hadn't just thought about it.

She had actually cut herself.

And while Holly told her that she didn't see cutting as dark and twisted, Gail did see it that way. She felt weird and broken and a little bit like a freak. Because who hurts herself in order to feel less pain? Who cuts flesh with the hope of easing an inner anguish?

She did.

She had.

And now they were going to have to talk about it.

Luckily for Gail, Holly was quite adept at reading the subtle changes in her girlfriend's body language. She had seen the tension settle back in after their relatively carefree shower - the lowering of her shoulders, the lack of eye contact, the tightening of her jaw. All signs that Gail was growing nervous again.

Holly was determined to do whatever she could to alleviate the angst. She reached across the table to place her hand on the blonde's arm. "Honey, you look a little tortured right now."

Startled out of her apprehensive thoughts, Gail's eyes darted over to see the loving look on Holly's face. She replied with some difficulty, "Yeah. Part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop."

Holly sighed, "There's no other shoe, sweetheart. I'm here and I love you just the same and we don't have to talk about anything tonight if you don't want to. We can just relax and enjoy being together. Or if you want to talk, we can do that too. We can do whatever is going to make you feel safe."

Gail let out a breath and dropped her head into her free hand, her elbow propped on the table. "Ugh, I know I'm being a total spaz right now. You're being so great and not weird at all and I'm just sort of losing my shit because I've never had to talk about this before. It's always been a secret and even though I know you love me and you don't judge me, it's still hard, you know?"

Holly tucked a stray hair behind Gail's ear and then moved her hand down to rub her back. "I know, honey," after a beat of silence, "will it make you feel better if we just talk about it so you don't have to think about it anymore?"

Gail pondered that for a moment and then turned her face so she could look at Holly, her face screwed up with uncertainty. "The idea of that makes my skin crawl, so yes, let's do it."

Holly nodded her head in understanding and then stood from her chair, pulling Gail's hand so that she would follow. She sat down on the couch and tugged the hand so that the blonde sat next to her, their thighs touching.

Gail immediately turned her face away, her shame keeping her from looking Holly in the eye. "So, this is weird," Gail said shakily.

"Tell me why you feel weird, love." It wasn't that Holly didn't know, but she thought it might help Gail if she talked it out.

"Because I haven't ever talked to anyone about this before. I haven't ever had to admit it out loud and deal with the look on someone else's face. I'm just…I feel really ashamed."

Holly squeezed Gail's hand. "I know I can't take that feeling away, but sweetheart, I don't think you have anything to feel ashamed of."

Gail hung her head. "I gave in to temptation. If I had just waited for you to call me back…I couldn't even wait a few hours."

"You tried to reach out. You tried to resist. But honey, the fact that you cut yourself…it's not the most important thing about you. It's something you did to deal with something really difficult. But you do a lot of other things too. You go out onto the street every day and risk your life to keep people safe. You take care of me, you make me feel special and loved. When I'm having a bad day, you always go and get me that super expensive chocolate that I love. You get up first in the mornings to start the coffee because you know that I can't wake up without it. You clean out the drain in the bathtub because you know how much it creeps me out." Holly reached over and lifted Gail's chin so they were making eye contact. She smiled earnestly at her girlfriend. "All of those things matter just as much, Gail."

Taking a deep breath, Gail asked the next question weighing on her mind. "Tell me the truth, Holly. Did I freak you out?"

Holly sighed, "Honey, no. I wasn't freaked out. I was worried and sad because I wasn't here and I hated that I couldn't be here for you. But it didn't scare me. Not in that way."

"What way did it scare you?" Gail asked quickly.

Holly kicked herself for the wording that she had let slip. She didn't want Gail to think she was scared of  _her._  "It was a little scary because I wasn't here. I just didn't like being so far away when you were so upset. Because I don't like it when you hurt yourself, not because I think that cutting is weird or creepy, but because I just don't want you hurt. I wanted to stay on the phone with you the entire time I was away, just so I could know how you were doing. But when we couldn't talk and I was worried, I just told myself that you are strong, the strongest person I know. That made me feel better."

Gail's eyes filled with tears. "I don't feel strong. If I were strong, I wouldn't have cut myself."

"You are strong. Because you called me, multiple times. And even though you cut yourself, you kept going. You told me about it and you picked up the pieces and did what you needed to do so you would be ok. And you only did it once. You wanted to do it again, but you didn't."

"I just…I feel so fucked up, Holly. I feel so broken. I mean, who cuts themselves to feel better?"

Holly put her hand on Gail's cheek and wrapped her other arm around her waist. "My love, you are beautiful. You are prickly and grumpy and thoughtful and loyal. And I don't care if you're a little broken. It's ok to be broken. You were kidnapped and shot at, you parents are assholes and your friends don't always stand up for you. You deserve to be a little broken. But I love all the broken bits just as much. I don't need you to be anything else. And the fact that you made it through all of that, it shows how very strong you are."

"I know all of that is true. Most of the time. But I just want to be normal, Holly," Gail said, the fierceness in her voice offset by the tears in her eyes. "I just don't want to have to struggle with this anymore. I don't want to be sad and I don't want to be tempted to cut. I don't want this to be my life anymore. I just want it to stop." She dropped her face in her hands, no longer able to face the world head on.

"I understand that, honey. And I really wish I could take it all away, make you feel better. But even though I can't fix it, I want you to know that you're not alone. I'm here with you and I'm not going anywhere. I don't need you to be normal." Holly wanted to say that Gail  _was_  normal, that depression and self-harm were far more common than anyone let on. But that wouldn't help. Because Gail didn't  _believe_  that she was normal and it would take a lot more than Holly's words to convince her otherwise.

Gail nodded, but didn't uncover her face.

Holly pressed on to the uncomfortable question niggling at the back of her mind, the one she knew needed to be asked, whether she was prepared for the answer or not. "Honey, you said that you want it to stop – can you tell me if you're thinking about hurting yourself, about ending your life?"

Gail didn't move and a silence followed that made Holly feel sick with dread. She wanted to fill that silence, to ramble on a little more or give Gail an out, maybe even give herself an out. But instead she waited. The answer would come. She could wait. She needed to wait.

Finally Gail lifted her head and stared straight ahead at the coffee table. "As much as I want the sad feeling to go away, I don't want to be dead. I don't want to kill myself and I'm not thinking about doing that. I know that's not the answer."

Holly's shoulders dropped in relief. She reached over and took Gail's hand. "I'm really glad to hear that, sweetheart. But you know that if you were ever thinking about that, you could tell me, right? I would want you to tell me."

Gail turned briefly to look at Holly, flashing a sincere, if pained, smile before settling her eyes on the table again. "Yeah, I know, Lunchbox. Thank you."

Holly ran her thumb over the back of Gail's hand. "I know we can't fix it right now and that it may never be fixed, but is there something I can do to help? Is there something you want to do that I can help you with or just hold your hand while you do it? It's ok if the answer to both is no or you don't know. I can just be here with you, if that's what you need."

Gail turned back toward Holly, unadulterated affection in her eyes. "You being here helps. It really does. There are some things I think I should try, to see if they will help, even if I'm not sure they will. But I need to tell you that I don't know if this will ever be significantly different. I don't know if I will ever completely be free of the cutting or the sadness. It might always be this way, Holly."

And Holly heard in her words the question that Gail wasn't brave enough to ask out loud.  _Can you love me if I'm always like this, if it never gets better?_ The fear and hope in the watery blue eyes broke Holly's heart.

And so she answered the lingering question the only way she knew how. "I know, honey. I love you and I'm here. I'm going to be here. We're in this together."

A single tear escaped onto Gail's cheek and she breathed an audible sigh of relief as she nodded her head. She wiped the tear away and leaned forward, her head coming to rest on her girlfriend's chest. Holly wrapped her up and held her tight, trying to communicate just one thing.  _You're not alone. I love you and you're not alone._


End file.
